Feury and the Raccoon Mafia
by Here Kitty Kitty Kitty
Summary: Feury finds out the hard way what happens when you borrow money from the Mafia. Rated T for slight language.


**Just a little something that stemmed from a previous fic "Pooch Panic". Raccoons are scary things. And are probably watching you outside from your window as you read this. You've been warned.**

You know that little unnoticeable guy we all notice and love? Yes you know who I'm talking about. Major Armstr-I mean Sergeant Fuery! Yes that toddler sized fellow has probably been through hell and back. But who knew his worse troubles were just starting.

It seems there are scarier things than battling Father or seeing Madame Christmas in a two piece bikini. And Fuery was just beginning to figure this out.

It started as just seeing those beady little eyes outside the window during work. Then began then clawing at his bedroom door and suspicious notes of warning. Yes Kain had done the most horrible thing possible…

He'd borrowed from the Raccoon Mafia.

And had yet to pay them back.

Don Mask was not happy.

"SERGEANT FUERY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" A very pissed looking Hawkeye had said walking into the room. Yes she was having a very bad morning, wonder why?

She has walked in on Fuery taping newspaper to the windows, "I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY FOUND ME AT WORK!" He said taping more newspaper, "I DON'T THINK THEY'LL FALL FOR ANOTHER EXCUSE!" He then noticed said Hawkeye in the doorway. He ran over and hugged her legs, "Lieutenant! Thank God! Do you have 20,000 cens?"

She blinked once at this, "Are you on drugs Fuery?" _Of course he is._ She thought,_ It's the only possible answer._

But little Fuery shook his head furiously, "No ma'am! Of course not!"

"Then why do you need the money?"

"…"

"Fuery?"

"…Well…"

"Yes?"

"You see, I have valid reason…"

"OUT WITH IT!"

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING?" He cried, backing away.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE STALLING! WHAT DID YOU DO?" Yeah, this was helping her mood.

After a few stuttering moments he finally through it out there, "I-I borrowed from the Raccoon Mafia…"

Awkward silence.

"You what?"

"I BORROWED FROM THE RACCOON MAFIA!"

It was hard to suppress the laughing fit that followed. She quickly calmed herself. After the incident with Breda she'd wasn't going to let this one go, "Why?"

"Ristkas ookers…" He muttered.

"What?" She really needed her hearing checked.

"CHRISTMAS HOOKERS!"

She stared blankly at him for a moment, suddenly hoping this was all some big joke.

"It started as me wanting to buy Christmas presents for all the orphans, but the guys kept complaining they hadn't… you know… got laid in awhile, so I thought why not?"

She kept staring blankly.

"I got one for you too Lieutenant."

She reached for her gun.

"He looks like Mustang."

She opened fire.

Fuery jumped out the newspaper covered windows and ran for the alley. He thought he was safe. For now.

"Click click click…" Coon spoke to his second in command as their target approached.

"Click, click click click click. Click." Rocko replied. And so their plan wasin motion.

Fuery now remembered whose territory he was in. Don Mask. Head of the Raccoon Mafia. Whom he had borrowed money from. And never paid. But we've already discussed that. On to more important things.

Fuery didn't notice the tiny footsteps behind him. He didn't notice the conversation coming from those footsteps. He didn't notice the dog crap he had just stepped in, until I pointed it out.

"Dude, you stepped in dog crap." I helpfully pointed out.

"DAMMIT!" He said removing his boot and chucking it and the other direction.

"Click click."

Fuery spun around, "What?" He came face to face with two tiny raccoons. He paled considerably and started running. But he was to slow and one of the raccoon covered his face with a cloth soaked in chloroform. Fuery's world went black.

He soon woke up in a dark room lit only by one swinging lightbulb. He looked around wondering where he was. Everything was covered in rust or muck. It looked like some sort of hospital room, then Fuery noticed he was strapped to what seemed to be the wire box spring of a mattress. He also noticed his shirt and shoes had been removed.

"Click, click click click, click?" Coon said walking into the room.

"Of course I'm awake. Why am I here? I said I'd get you thte money." Fuery thought for a moment, "I just didn't say when." Brave little shit isn't it he?

"Click click click. Click click, click click click click click. Click. Click clcikc click click!" And so Don Mask entered the room.

"Click click." Was Don Mask's only order.

"NO NO NO! DON'T KILL ME! ISN'T THERE ANOTHER WAY?"

Don Mask thought about this for a moment. Then he looked at Coon and motioned to the jumper cables and battery in the corner. Fuery paled as Don Mask's second in command walked over to him with the cables.

Fuery is now strapped to a metal bed.

With jumper cables on his nipples.

And toes.

An hour later Fuery was walking aimlessly around Central twitching every so often. He walked down an alley and spotted a fat man with red hair and crazy eyes.

"Breda?"

The crazy man looked up, "Shhhh. The dogs smell fear."

Fuery backed away still twitching. He reached a main street. He was stumbled upon by Havoc, who looked at him questionly, "Why are twitching? Why are you shirtless? Why are there burn marks on your… nipples? Are you into bondage?"

"Help me…" Fuery spoke then collapsed.

He woke up a little later to have the entire team watching over him.

"Are you alright Sergeant Fuery?" Falman asked.

"You really need to tell me where you found the kinky club that did this." Havoc exclaimed.

"YOU JUST HAD TO RUN INTO THE RACCOON MAFIA IN MY SECTION OF THE CITY DIDN'T YOU!" Mustang shouted, not really caring about the safety of his subordinate, "MORE PAPERWORK! YEAH THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED!"

"So when are you going to remove the newspaper Kain? NOT EVERYONE LIKES THE DARK YOU KNOW!" Hawkeye said/yelled pointing to the windows.

"Shouldn't I get my wounds checked first?" Fuery asked almost in tears.

"NO!" Both Hawkeye and Mustang yelled in unison then began to argue about the newspaper.

So yet another day ends with Fuery crying.

And his twitch never stopped.

**Well? I didn't know how to right raccoon speak but it sounds like clicking to me. Any body got ideas for the rest of Mustang's team? I have a few ideas including fishey pajamas but… yeah… LOOK AT THE PRETTY REVIEW BUTTON. LOOK AT THE PRECIOUS. Touch it. You know you want to.**


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